What does it mean to be the black sheep of the family and how does one heal from that?

 The term originated with actual sheep. The black sheep was the product of 2 white sheep with black wool as the recessive genes. Black wool was less desirable given it can’t be dyed.

The term “black sheep” has come to mean the outcast, the one that won’t toe the line, the undesirable member of the group, the one who won’t conform; the one who deviates from the family rules. In many cultures, family honor is highly valued in terms of the greater community. Even as individuals want to fit in with small groups, families also want to fit in with their neighborhoods and community. Having a family member who is not conforming to the family rules is treated differently. It is thought that if the individual is shamed, judged, or rejected then they will want to change their behavior in order to gain favor back into the group. The black sheep of the family, at best are playfully teased and at worst are rejected. Unsurprisingly, the more they are ridiculed the less they open up and share with the family. The less they open up and share, the more of an outcast they become. The black sheep lives with this sense of exile and the corresponding feelings of shame, pain, anger, and unworthiness. If the black sheep behaves in a way that is acceptable, then it is at a cost to their own sense of self or values.

Many black sheep are also the scapegoat. A scapegoat is defined as a person made to bear the blame for others or to suffer in their place. The scapegoat is the one that gets blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family. By taking the blame for the problems of the family the rest of the family members can be emotionally balanced. The scapegoat would be blamed even if they were innocent. The more they were blamed the more the siblings would try to get them in trouble while they looked like the angel or golden child.

How do you know if you are the black sheep?

If you are the black sheep, you differ significantly from the rest of your family in ...

• values or lifestyle

• professional or educational attainment

• religious, philosophical, and personal values

• or political affiliation

One could also differ due to a history of ...

• criminal conduct

• substance abuse or other addictions

• financial problems

• mental illness

• unstable relationships

• ongoing conflicts with multiple relatives

• or long periods of unemployment

However, it doesn’t always mean that the black sheep displays the behaviors that society deems undesirable, it can also mean that the black sheep was the one to get out and built a healthy life. I know several clients whose whole families would meet many of those aforementioned negative categories. In contrast, they earned advanced degrees, have their own businesses, are successful in their careers, and have stable family lives.

The black sheep of the family can develop in many different ways. Many black sheep are emotionally neglected by their parents and later their siblings as well. Emotional abuse is an act. A parent or other adult in the household often swears at you, insults you, puts you down, and/or humiliates you. Emotional neglect is the opposite. Your parent fails to notice or attend to your emotional needs, struggles, issues, or pain; fails to ask or be interested in your life; fails to provide comfort, care, or solace; fails to see who you really are. Emotional abuse and neglect can lead to depression, anxiety, apathy, hyperactivity, aggression, low self-esteem, and other acting-out behaviors, which could in turn make them the target of more abuse and scapegoating.

 Other black sheep come from codependent or enmeshed families. Codependency is when one person is needy or dependent on another person. Enmeshed families tend to have zero or poor boundaries and try to control not only your behaviors but your thoughts as well. When one person is not ok with this level of closeness, they are deemed the outsider or black sheep and can be abused as a means of getting them to comply.

However the black sheep develops, it scars the psyche.

The way black sheep respond in the world is affected by those scars. Due to the judgments and negative comments, they heard throughout life, most black sheep have poor self-esteem, low confidence, insecurity, trust issues, and poor social skills just to name a few of the negative side effects. However, I also want to point out the positive attributes of being the black sheep. Many black sheep seek deeper relationships, are loyal friends, and are an encourager of others. They tend to be independent, self-reliant, and strong.

Being the black sheep of the family is a blessing and a curse. Many black sheep wear that label as a badge of honor, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt to be viewed so negatively by their family of origin.

As a therapist, I see many people in my practice who self-identify as the black sheep of their family. Many come to therapy, to figure out how to manage their reactions to family situations; many are still trying to figure out how to fit in, how to be seen, and valued in their family. Others come to therapy for support to deal with life’s stressors because they lack the support in their daily life either because they were cut off or they cut themselves off from their family. Many black sheep get frustrated that they are working on themselves but their family members won’t and won’t even acknowledge that they have anything that needs fixing.

 In our path to healing, it is important to understand where our behaviors and thought patterns have come from, however, we also have to have a vision of where we want to end up.

 There is beauty in being the black sheep. Black sheep of the family are so labeled for their differing thoughts and behaviors. While that might have been a negative in the family system, it is positive in general. It is the free thinkers that change the world. If people didn’t question the status quo, nothing would change. All societies need free thinkers, people willing to make noise and point out the injustices, the faulty policies, and come up with better ways of doing things.

So, what are some ways of healing from being the black sheep of the family?

First of all, I would stress that you focus on your strengths and positive attributes. Everyone has positive attributes. Being the black sheep, you see the world in a different way, you fight injustice, you can empathize and be compassionate with those who are hurting, you are a great listener, you are a loyal friend, you are open to other perspectives and new ideas, you have clear values, you are resilient and determined, you are flexible and think critically, you are self-sufficient, you are able to take a stand and make unpopular decisions, and you are motivated to learn about yourself and always improve.

Develop boundaries with others. What does it mean to develop boundaries? The biggest one is saying no when necessary. If people ask for help and it is inconvenient to so do then say no. If you are in a one-way relationship start pulling back. Distance yourself from the takers - the ones who need you but are never there for you. You don’t need to always be available for others, start carving out time for yourself. Limit your exposure to negative people.

Don’t take things personally. People respond from their own level of understanding and through their own mental filters, which means that nothing they say or do is about you. Thinking this way can be easier said than done, however, it is a good thing to practice.

Process your grief. As the black sheep of the family, your childhood was difficult. To come into your own person, it is necessary to grieve the family life that you had and may still have. It is important to mourn the loss of the idealized childhood and family relationships. Seek therapy and other healthy supports to help you in this process.

Find your support network. In order to thrive, humans need connection, and yet we are more disconnected than ever. Try to have a diverse group of friends and supports. Having only friends who seem to have the perfect family life is going to increase the feeling of being different and alone. Seek out the other misfits and black sheep. Join supportive communities. Nurture relationships with people who seem to get you and are your natural cheerleaders.

 Some people may want to cut off contact with particular family members or even the entire family. This can be hard for a lot of people and everyone’s case is unique to them. Cutting people off or taking space from them does not have to mean forever. It could mean for a while until you feel more comfortable trying again. This all assumes you have the power to do the cutting off or distancing. Some family members or entire families will be the ones to cut off contact with the black sheep. Regardless of which side you might be on with taking breaks from family, it is important that you surround yourself with people who do love you for who you are.

Kathi Hennessey LICSW is a licensed independent clinical social worker in private practice in Massachusetts, USA. Posted 6/7/2023.